Venting 7/6/08

Tired of trying and still being the one that ends up hurt. I am not the one that fucked up and I could have jus left but I stayed and I still feel like I am being taking advantage of. I mean I don’t ask for much. I feel like my ideas and thoughts are constantly being put down as if I am not educated I mean damn I am tired of being treated like a child and looked down apon as the bad person. I am tired of given and giving and not receive anything. Fuck it I am bout jus do me I am tired of putting everyone else before me. People don’t appreciate me or the things I do. Especially Nicole she act like I am suppose to do shit I do it cause I love her but she jus takes advantage of me jus like everyone else. This is y I have a limited amount of friends as it is. I try to explain this to her but she don’t care. She do what she want. Whatever makes her happy and that’s fine cause imp jus going to start doing things that make me happy I am not bout to keep doing shit. My feelings are so not important to her nothing n no one could say nuthin to me to make me think different I keep telling her actions speak louder then words but she always yapping that shit goes through one ear and out the other lol shit is crazy she don’t get me and she don try to either I mean don get me wrong I love her more then life its self I am still in love wit her but. I know that love is not suppose to be like this because I have been happier in some of my past relationships. Its like she cant even take constructive criticize if I say something she don’t like she goes and catches her ill attitudes she needs to grow the fuck up because I am not bout to kiss no ones ass for nothing. Shit is crazy I want to be wit her but she needs to grow up and do it fast stop make in excuse for everything shit im the queen of excuses but see she wouldn’t know that because for some reason she feels like everything she does and or have been through is way more advanced and difficult. She always talk about what she went through but shit my mom was on drugs most of my life I never really had a parent till recently cause even when she wasn’t on drugs she was all into Joel. She has always had people there or her till this day and she takes advantage of them too. I just wished she could have lived wit me for like one year when I was younger she would appreciate life and maybe even me a LITTLE better. Shit I practically raised my damn self I didn’t have no one there for me when I cried at night and was scared and wondering if my mom was out laying somewhere dead I never got that comfort from anyone not even family which is the main reason y I don’t trust people I have been fucked ova so many times in my life. All I want is to be heard and understood is that too much to ask for I don’t know y she doesn’t understand that. Its like when I talk to her she don’t listen she hear me but she don’t listen. I am tired of not being heard. But I will say this if shit don change I mean really change soon she is going to be hurt and imam be sad and alone because we shouldn’t have arguments everyday. I am too damn old for this shit.

so long

this is my last...
enty for the last century..
starting a new one...
no negativity...
imma just let it be..
not gonna let the past hunt me..
or the present for that matter..
no more chitter chatter..
im on to a new food platter...
full of possibilites...
done with obsenities...
i hope i don make enemies...
but trust it wont offend me...
if one decided to befriend me...
even if ur kin to me...
im officailly "doingme"
bur not in the definition that most see it to be...
im literally doin me...
alone with no one to call my own...
i have found a thrown..
that only one can step up...
too..
a level that will seem almost impossible to get to...
but its something for me too do...
gonna take a while to get to...
tryin to find my patience..
it's a virtue..
so this is my last thing...imma try..
Too construe...??
ill take my bow now..
thank u..!

....w.t.f.e.o.t.b.

feeling alone..
transulent...
like a ghost...
covinced that no matter...
what i post...
one will boost
my words...
are read like...
ect....
nothing seems to get...
too its destination... love is in heavy...
rotation...
but its fading escping...
loosing its touch...
why must it be me...
that is the thee..
why cant it be she...
fuck that we...
i cant see ...don wanna...
bout start a new genre...
that only suits those with sense...
common...cause that shit is sick...
can give what i don have...
im tired of being sad....
im not over it i wont be...
but how so quickly...
ur over me...
but im wrong...
sounds like a contidictive
love song...

listen

i hope this is loud and clear...
for EVERYONE to hear...
i know my words...
are sometime full of trickary...
plenty of metephors...
and broken similes...
but i need SOMEONE...
to open there ears...
let go of ur fears and just
for once FUCKING hear...
the words that i write so fercily...
now listen close and hear me...
i am human..
i have flaws...
but why once thats shown...
everything is put on pause...
with no reguard...
i began to applaude...
because it seems like a play...
same script diffent cast..
another dollar another day...
don come to me wit no problems..
if u aint got solution...
with out one it is still a problem...
i aint dumb...
it may seem that way...
cause like child...
pictures are all u see...
when the MOTHERFUCKIN...
nouns and verbs are infront of thee..
i see the thing u dont want me to see...
and slowly but surly i just let it be...
stop underestaimating my abilities...
because my heart it is on my sleeve...
please recieve that i can give...
plz understand that i do understand...
and ill be damned...
but whats demanded...
has no basis...
its like those pictures wit nofaces...
im not sure what the case is...
but bothsides are dismissed...
no longer looking for love or bliss..
not looking for ish...
souls have been shown...
spots have been blown..
sitting here alone....
trying to explain..
why my pain had turned intoanger fustration and hurt...
hopless nothingness..
like ive been thrown in the dirt...
both love and bliss let me down..
the sight is blurry...
and muffled is the sound...
my insides feel like they have been thrown around...
a sight if u want sore eyes...
the funny part of it all...
none of these feeling are not a surprise..
just a cycle in time...
and if people would leave methe FUCK alone...
stop feeding me dreams...
i would be fine

pissed

im writing this...
cause im pissed...
tired of being tricked...
and laughed at when no ones looking...
why do i let others...
continue to define who i am...
pissed because i believe u...
but better then me...
ur sneaky too...
pissed because love...
is so distant from my being...
pissed because u know my heart...
and u tip toe on it...
with the knuckles of ur feet..
pissed because i work harder then a ant...
and it aint enough...
pissed...pissed...just so fucking pissed..

so...

tired of words being shoved down my throt....
when i do speak...
it as if im mute...
trying to use my brain...
to compute...
whats really going on...
why must everything be out of the norm...
trying to speak...
but my words are shoved behind...
and nothing i really feel...
ever seems to reach surface...
what the purpose...
since every already knows...

...

actions speak louder then words..
tired of all the adjectives and verbs...
the sound of the vowels against....
consonant after consonant...
with no consent of action...
beautiful wishes...
whispers...
and sonnets...
halfway seeing...
saying not being...
transparent...
reached...
compromised...
with surprise...
but nothing is of realization...
know one really looks...
we see what we wanna see...
be who we wanna be....
sneak...
then try to peak...
u come off meek...
but as usual its Ur actions that speak..